i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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