i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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