He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
