We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
