You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
