so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
