I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
