When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
