Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
