i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize