Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
