Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
