I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
