my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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