I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
