fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize