haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
