two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
