Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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