i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize