well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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