we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize