I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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