i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
