Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The adults are the big ones right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
