I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
