So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
