You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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