I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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