last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
