Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
