take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
