she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
