They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
