Fine. I'll sleep in my office
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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