Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
