Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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