Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
