we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
