btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
