I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
