weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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