Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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