You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize