She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
