he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
