If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
