How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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