if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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