My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
