Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
