He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
