if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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