two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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