hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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