and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
