A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
